I cannot restrain myself from speaking ill of the dead

It wasn't just his hypocrisy, going after tobacco companies while getting liquored up every night. It wasn't the whole "Michael Jackson of politics" thing, the genius-freak justifiably loved by half the country's population and deservedly reviled by the other half. It wasn't the "dud Kennedy" effect - the one lame and fizzling thing left after the Joe, Jack and Bobby fireworks lit off a lifetime (or two) ago... or the sham marriage to Regina Whatsherface when the tabloid headlines threatened his dubious legacy... or the "Dream will never die" bloviation that suckered in the marks just like Hitler, Tom Vu, "Rich Dad" and Obamachrist... or the whole "American royal family" aspect of those lace-curtain WASPs we call the Kennedy's.

Ted Kennedy was a little wisp of nothingness who materialized as innocuously as Jay Gatsby and disappeared as silently. Oh there were the parties and the headlines and the gossip, but in terms of a legacy - what? He "borked" Bork? And what did that accomplish? He "fragged" Carter - and who did that elect? He replaced his big brother in the senate and paved the way for some other undeserving relative. The republicans worked with him effectively, and ran against him much more so. The issue of his lifetime hung in the balance and he couldn't contribute, too ill to lobby or vote, and his state's legislature too cowed by rules passed when republicans governed to allow his still-breathing carcass to be replaced with a gubernatorial appointee. As some forgotten poet once observed (of himself), "his life was writ in water". I drank in that poet's (Keats) haunt in Dublin. Strangely, I don't know where in Boston Teddy drank. Maybe he didn't - he drank alone in Hyannisport.

Who was he? I forget.

Ass for Plumpers

Recent research indicates that BBW's (blubbery bloated whales) get more dick than skinny chicks do. Or, using the academic-speak of Psychology Ptoday "Fat chicks get laid more". Sounds like an appropriate title for a thesis, eh?

I actually have a bit of experience in this field, having spent three years living on a desert island devoid of attractive female companionship. While off-island I indulged in the companionship of a couple of lasses whose girth-to-height ratio was a little above my norm.

What I discovered is that in comparison with their more slender sisters, their oral fixation goes well beyond ring-dings and bon-bons. In a phrase, hungry for food, hungry for dick. It is therefore not all surprising that they get laid more than skinny women do - they like it! I've dated a few skinnies worthy of Somali citizenship and I can vouch that when nothing more nourishing than tofu passes her speaking lips, her non-speaking lips likely do not inhale much sausage. Skinny chicks just aren't into pleasure.

Oh sure, perhaps their standards are higher, but I select that some legwork would land that in the wreck heap of discarded hypotheses (see the right side of the linked map).

What's on tap at the White House?

The black President, the black Harvard Professor and the white cop are sitting down for a brewski to discuss the ongoing pervasiveness of racism in america. The black Governor is apparently occupied cutting the ribbon on the new 6 1/2 % state sales tax and cannot quaff.

So, what's on tap?

Guinness - it's black, it's bitter and it's expensive. Bottoms up, professor Gates!

Harpoon IPA - brewed in Boston, pale, and used to snag whales. Sgt. Crowley - drink up!

Obama?

Well, there's Blatz, which is the beer of the Chicago workingman, but somehow I don't think "Blatz" goes with arugula salad and French water dogs. Longboard Lager from Hawaii? Too elitist.

Colt 45 from a 40 ounce bottle? HAHAHA not gonna go there... Meyer's no racist, just someone who doesn't need to kiss ass.

Such a politically charged decision. I'm dying to find out.

My guess: Red White and Blue, from Milwaukee - has the right name and close enough to Chicago for government work.

The stuff is absolute swill. Drank it in college.

Bet tha O-dog didn't. Seems like more of a wine and cheese type to me.

Wacko Jacko returns to the mother ship

Remember "ABC?". Remember "I want you back"? I do - I also remember Donny Osmond and the DeFranco Family for christ's sake. There were a lot of really bad kiddie-pop bands before N'Sync and the Jonas Brothers.

But Michael Jackson wasn't that bad when he was with the Jackson 5. Even "Thriller", which spawned every lip-synching dance diva this side of Madonna, was a passable record. But then pedophilia reared its ugly head and it was all over.

Wacko might has well have joined the clergy once the whole kiddie thing broke.

Well, he's dead now, and one shouldn't speak ill of the departed... BWHAHAHAHAHA. Only Oprah, backer of another metrosexual oreo cookie, could sympathize with this monkey-loving, child-fondling piece of plastic.

Heart attack? Too many hours in the hyperbaric chamber, Michael? Too much excitement on the amusement park ride?

Sort of like Elvis but without the dignity.

Financial Product Safety Commission?!?!?

You have to admire the Democrats - a party whose entire purpose is to ensure that each and every American adult is protected against the probability (high, in the case of their voters) that they will catch their dick in their zipper.

Their latest stroke of genius is a "financial consumer protection agency" which will be chartered with preventing Joe FivebeersshortofaSixPack from signing off on a mortgage that he can't pay. Y'know, one with interest which actually requires him to retire the principal.

Hey, any group chaired by a Tokenchick Harvard Law Professor, commissioned by a former Tokenblack one who has moved on to a bigger and better TokenPosition, and staffed with men such as Barney Frank and Chris Dodd whose litany of achievements includes the destruction of the US Mortgage market in the name of "affordable housing" (defined as "housing occupied by people who can't afford it") must be capable of truly great achievements.

My guess is that when this august group has completed their work, we can expect banks to be subject to restrictive lending conditions which forbid them from charging interest.

It's called "Sharia Law". Allah will be pleased, as will his servant Barack Hussein Obama.

But rather than bash his tokenness, let me bash the people who elected him. People who buy houses they can't afford and plead naivete and ignorance when confronted with their stupidity and greed. People who give aid and comfort to their adversaries in the vain hope that their weakness and cowardice will be interpreted as kindness and good-heartedness. As Lou Reed observed, "you can't depend on the goodly-hearted. The goodly-hearted made lampshades and soap". People who pin the blame for their country's demise on the Bernie Madoffs rather than the garden-variety cluefucks that pitched this nation into a ditch.

Not people like me - I was renting when everyone was buying, now I'm slumming while everyone's trying to stay on the upwardly mobile rat race. When America is in flames and the Jews of New York are being put to the sword (or airplane) by their Arab conquerors, and the feminists are learning the proper way to wear a burqua and pleasure a Sultan, I won't be gnashing my teeth or rending my garments: I'll be relaxing on a beach somewhere in Thailand with a girl young enough to be my daughter and laughing my ass off at the irony of it all.

The reason I'll be in that position is that I've never needed to suck contentedly at the tit of mommy government. I prefer to spank the bitch's ass and pull her hair while I do her from behind. And I don't need a "Financial product safety commission" to guide my investments. I take my advice from the Romans: "Caveat emptor".

Nobel Laureate of the Week

It's hard to keep up with Paul Krugman's blog. Posts come with the alarming frequency of down-ticks in the stock price of his employers at the New York Times.

Nevertheless, he always has something interesting to say, and usually makes some sense, which is more than can be ventured for the majority of Times scribes.

Recently, however he published a post which cites how wealthy New Jerseyans are in contrast to Texans. What sophisticated model was used to deduce this? Income.

A response was in order. A harsh one.

How on earth does a Nobel Laureate fail to understand something as simple as the Big Mac Index? The mind boggles. Looks like the Nobel in Economics is heading the way of the Peace Prize.

Memo to Hillary

Launching missiles is not "provocative". It's "Belligerent". Always nice to see the true value of a Yale education. Worked for Dubya.

Provocative = "do me", fishnets and a miniskirt. Stiletto heels and red lipstick. Sort of like going to Mexico to kiss their ass about gun control while omitting the fact that a fifth of their population is living illegally in the USA. They call it "La reconquista" - the reconquest of the lands they lost in 1848. Also, "Viva la raza" or literally "long live the race". Lovely. Jackboots and tortillas. "Pound my filthy gringo ass hard and deep, you big tough muchacho."

Belligerent = "fuck you", leather and an upraised middle finger. Doc martens and tattoos. Akin to reminding that dough-bellied courvoisier-drinking gook Kim Jong Il that we retain the right to blow his "long dong" missiles out of the sky any time we damn well please... provided our president has sufficient testicular diameter to greenlight the shootdown. "Act of war? - we'll light your skies for the first time since your daddy took over, pudge!".

My money's on "provocative". After all, Hillary and her fishnets are due in Europe next week. Czechoslovakia has already weighed in on what filthy economic sluts we are. You can hear the leather snapping from 3000 miles across the pond.